I’m an only child of an only child, so figuring out how this whole sibling thing works has taken some getting used to. I’ve been thinking lately how each of our boys’ childhoods differ from his brothers’. When the children outnumber the adults, things just can’t be fair, but we teach our children that our family is a team. We do things for the good of the team, and everyone gets a turn to be in the spotlight.
We can’t make everything be perfectly equal, but I don’t think our children are missing out because of that. Every time one of them has a birthday, I remind them that they’re so fortunate to have so many brother birthdays in our house. This seems to help with the gift-envy. Even if it’s not their birthday, they still have lots of fun eating cake and ice cream, going along on birthday outings, and playing with whatever gifts the birthday boy receives.
There are advantages and disadvantages to every spot in the birth order–the oldest is always going to be the guinea pig, and the baby knows more because he absorbs whatever his older brothers are into. The middle children are usually easy going and compatible because they jockey between the type A first borns and jokester last borns.
If one of my boys need something, I buy it, but I don’t necessarily buy something for all the other boys. If one son needs shoes, I buy some, but I don’t buy all his brothers shoes too. Everyone’s needs are met, but it just drains emotions, finances and creates clutter to buy multiples of things that aren’t necessities. We do hand me downs, although I have husky, regular and slim sizes in my house, and boys are extremely hard on clothes, so hand me downs aren’t always a possibility.
Is it fair that the oldest gets all new clothes, and the others get lots of hand me downs with a few new things? Is it fair that the baby will bounce through his first day of kindergarten because he’s been in the school since he was born, and knows lots of his brother’s friends? Is it fair that the middle son has a little bit smoother ride in life because we’ve dealt with difficult situations once before with his older brother, and are older and wiser in how we deal with things?
And since the children outnumber us, we physically can’t be with all of them when we want to be. With two boys in the same school, I can only be one homeroom mom, and this week I’m missing someone’s first basketball game to pick up the baby at his kindergarten prep class.
But we make sure everyone is taken care of–I can plan games or crafts for the son’s parties I can’t attend, so I know he’s going to have a fun party, even if I’m not there. There will be lots of basketball games. He’ll have Dad and grandparents cheering him on, and he knows I’ll be there next time.
We as parents can’t beat ourselves up over what we can’t control. Considering the family as a team really helps our kids shift their thinking from themselves to others.
How do you deal with fairness in your family?
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